THOUGHTS

I have spent the last few days really thinking about life etc. Hearing about my friend having a stroke really scared me and woke me up.  Now I see my primary care dr every 4 months due to my high blood pressure and its seems to be back in control.  You just never know what can happen.  I don't know the full details of my friend's health etc. 
I do put a lot of time and effort into drs and tests, why well because I want to be sure I am around for my daughter.  In the last 3 months I have not really lived my life, I have began to recently but prior no.  I was allowing an event in my life to take over my whole life for the months of January and February. We go through life meeting so many different people, some become our friends some become the love of our life.  We also lose some of those friends along the way, either they move away or you have a fight etc. As for the love of our lives some are lucky to have one for the rest of their lives but many of us go through a few of them.  I've had 3, yes one at the age of 18 I was so sure I was marrying him, well that ended and was totally heartbroken.  Then I date soon met second love my life, he I did marry and was very happy.  We were together 7 1/2 years only married 1 1/2 years when he suddenly died.  My whole world was crushed.  I thought I could never go on forget falling in love again.  May of last year I feel in love again with an amazing man sadly that ended and heartbroken for the 3rd time.  Sure from the time of my husband's death till May of last year I was in relationship with my daughter's father.  That sadly was a relationship based on two people who met when they were both vulnerable. He too had lost his wife same time I lost my husband.  He loved me and me well I was lonely and tried to love him but just never happened.  I love and care about him as my daughter's father nothing more. 
So today with the last heartbreak it came out of no where and still don't have all the answers.  I know in my heart I love and care about him deeply.  So much so that I had to let him and it go, for carrying it around would only destroy me and not let me open my heart to another.  I have tried but I guess just wasn't ready.   I know that I just need to focus on taking care of me and my daughter.  I need to get us to a better place, a happier place then possible be ready to find love again.  My friends say one bad thing about me is I don't hold a grudge, I stay friends with my exes.  Most of them were friends before my boyfriends so why lose the friendship.  Granted I am not friends with ALL my exes there is one or two from years ago if I saw them might still punch them. 
I am happy that my life is finally falling into place.  Doctors are have really got to the bottom of things and starting to feel so much better.  I needed that so did my daughter.  She is so worried something is going to happen to me that its effecting her in school etc.   So I am on a mission to put her mind at ease and have fun.  I have decided to go back to school so I can get a better job to take care of us.  I am actually going to try and take up two different options so I have more to work with but not sure I can juggle it all but will see.
I am to be alive again and feeling better plus putting my life in order.  I have more to do but I am getting there. Some people had doubts about me doing it so they bailed on me.  That is ok with me for I know that I was doing all I could to get things worked out and instead of talking to me about it they turned their backs.  Again no anger or dislike, they did what the felt was right. 
I have put my faith, trust and love in God and believe he is helping me to get through this.  He doesn't bring you something that you can't get through with Him by your side. Plus the love and support of family and friends. I love you all dearly.
The man that I was deeply in love with, will always have a special place in my heart.  We have been friends for a very long time, he always had a special place this time its just a little bigger.  I have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing...well maybe a few things :-D