Thursday, July 15, 2010


So I spent most of my morning getting my books into Cheerios Spoonfuls of Story contest.  Today is the last day to submit your book or books.  

As I was doing it I was thinking about my life.  Gosh we all have are ups and downs.  Go through good times and bad, find love then get our hearts broken.  I have been writing a book about my life and the things I faced, losing my husband, losing my dad, the men I dated before and after my husband.  I did pick some winners i said to myself ...girl what were you thinking...LOL  And there were 2 or 3 that I really had deep feeling for or loved.  So as I write my book many of my friends off Facebook have told me just tell it all, lay it out there on one guy even make things up to make him look worse.  So when I got to the part when we first met I typed just as is then it would be many years later till we talk again.   I sat and stared at the screen, asking myself do I really want to lie and make this guy look bad.   So I went back to the old emails and read them.  As I sat crying I realized how could I hurt someone I care so much about.  Not fair to him nor to me and my heart.  Sure if I was writing this months ago when I was hurting I would of had no problem making him look bad.  I have dealt with and moved on.  In the end he still my friend and care about him dearly.  I wish him nothing but the best and happiness.  Thought about leaving him out but why, its part of my life and a good part even if I did get my heart broken.  I still think he is a great and sweet guy.  

My current boyfriend well he is a nice guy. We are having fun, lots of laughs and some good   What a relationship without a few fights?    :-D  Seriously I hate fighting and especially when its over something he doesn't understand.  He is trying but when he gets really mad he has a bad habit of throwing things in my face.   I don't like that he searches deep down for the things that will really hurt my feelings. And if he goes out drinking and talk to him its worse.  So now we don't talk on the nights he goes out to have a few.  I won't take that kind of bull.  Someone told me the other day, you know what the say a drunk always tells the truth.  Wasn't something I really needed to hear.  Even though I have heard it before,just didn't need the reminder.  For then I sat and thought about all the things he has said when drinking.  So now our relationship is jeopardy and he doesn't even know it.  I know I need to sit down and talk to him.  I really want to work this out and get passed it all if we can.  He really needs to stop throwing things up in my face especially the really hurtful things.  Not my fault that I loved someone and was planning a baby with them.  Not my fault that person can have children and funny thing is I am not even sure of that.  I am assuming the other guy is able to have children because we discussed having one.  Plus it was before you so why are you throwing it in my face.  If I cheated on him with this guy and discussed a baby then I can see but even then I wouldn't stand for it.  I've had my share of abuse, mental, emotional etc. and not going to have it again in my life or Alexis'. Plus now that I think about it what gives him the right to tell me what I can and can't do with my body.  If I opt to have another child that is my right and if he can't nor wants one why can't I ask someone to donate sperm.  I mean really what is so wrong with that.  Better to ask someone you know then a stranger at least then you know what you are getting.  I mean we are not married nor live together yes in a relationship but who knows where it will go. I don't know I have that kind of time to wait.  I want to enjoy the feeling of being pregnant and feeling the baby kick etc.  It so special.  Then down the road can adopted if we opt to have more if we are together. 

Sometimes I wish there was a way to turn back time. We can't and the things that have happened in my life made me who I am today as made me strong.  Sure years ago I was a nice, shy, sweet, caring girl today I still am but stronger so tend to say things before I think which gets me in trouble or hurt.  I am proud that I built up my confidence but need to learn when to say things and when not too.  I want Alexis to see she has a strong, confident mom who is also nice and caring.  For I want her to be the same. She is so shy, but sweet, loving and caring.   Just want her to be strong enough to take care of herself.  Back to karate class for both of us.  Then we will be ready to for anything...LOL  

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