Over this past weekend I was speaking with my mom and we talked about my life. I was always such a happy child who had a ton of friends. Mom or Dad never saw me for I was always out playing or at a friends. Even when got to high school and started working in Century 21 Dept Stores, I had lots of friends. I was always smiling and laughing. A bunch of us from Century hung out at this bar Kilcar House where I met even more friends. The bond we all had was awesome. Many of us went to watch a local band Head Over Heals perform at different bars etc. I dated a really great guy but was tough for he was in the navy, eventually it came to an end. Gosh he was so funny and could always make me laugh. Then my friend Chris started dating this guy and man was I soooo jealous he had the greatest eyes and smile, they just made me melt. Plus he was tall, dark and handsome. His voice gave me chills, every time I saw him my heart just raced. We had a moment after he broke up with my friend but sadly he got set up with someone else before we could go anywhere. I was so crushed. He always brought a smile to my face. Years go by and many many bad boyfriends I found my knight and shining armor, my husband Joe. He swept me off my feet with hello. I fell for him hard and fast. He always made me feel special and loved. I was always top on the list next to his two daughters. He called me at work and knew how to cheer me up if having a bad day. Or when I got home had flowers or gift for me. We really had some great times and laughed so much. Then his mom got sick and he couldn't handle the pressure he began drinking heavy, then she passed he became a full blown alcoholic. Never admitted this to anyone other then family. He couldn't get the booze in fast enough, he was heartbroken from losing his mom. His brother and I tried to save him, i begged, broke down crying etc. Nothing worked and almost 2 years to the day of when his mom died he died. My world shattered!!!! Why did God take my hero, my best friend, my husband, my one and only true love. How could Joe just leave me all alone? It wasn't fair I didn't do anything to deserve to be a widow at 30 and be left alone. Well this July 7th it will be 13 years since he passed, and just realized recently that I have been carrying so much guilt. For 13 years I have blamed myself and punished myself. Punished myself by picking the wrong guy and staying with him for 11 years. Sure I got a wonderful beautiful daughter out of it all. In looking back we should never of been together but I was still grieving and just needed to be loved. Then May 9,2009 that man from Kilcar came into my life again. I thought this can't be true no way I have that kind of luck. Still had the great eyes and smile oh and the voice all still made me melt. I found the love of my life, who knew you could fall so deeply in love again. I was so happy but instead of welcoming the way I should of I sabotaged it, not once several times, I got so scared. My daughter's father really did some job on me so I couldn't open my heart up but I sure as heck did try. You know he is a great guy for my Alexis to this day still talks about him. She met my new guy, asked her what do you think? Her response, he is ok and nice but he is not J***. Took me by surprised for she has never met J*** just talked to him online. She said J*** was always interested in what she said, he cared about what she had to say or about her school work. He encouraged her to do well in school, was very helpful and she likes him. She is studying so hard for herself and me but also to show him that she kept her promise to him to do well in school. She said she could let herself down, let me down or let him down. Hello he isn't part of our lives anymore. Doesn't matter mommy i made a promise and need to keep it. Alllll Righty Then!!
So yes I know have this guy who is great and enjoying my time with him. Only thing is Alexis and her feelings, they haven't spent much time together for I didn't want another J*** situation where she starts to like them etc, then its over and she gets crushed. That happened once it will not happen again if I can help it. She was telling people that J*** was going to be her step dad and how great he was. She still hopes that maybe someday he will be part of her life. I will not spoil her dream for now. For in the end he is truly a wonderful person and friend. I am first to admit I was horrible after he broke my heart. I wanted to hurt him and make him pay. I even tried to reach out and help him with a project he was working on for I had a better contact then him. Never heard from him and that's ok. Just the kind of person I am, will reach out and help friends if and when I can. So I went ahead and made the contact and working with them as well starting up an organization with help of some big guns. If J*** decides he wants the help or wants to join us in the fight he is more then welcome.
So now that I have a this breast surgeon to go see and find out what's going on there I reflected back on my life and I must say I have changed. That girl who was sweet, nice always smiling and laughing went to being a widow how turned bitter, sad always crying or yelling right up till Jan 9 2010 when she got her heart crushed. Then I went in search for that girl who was sweet, nice always smiling and laughing. I am not fully there but very close. Regrets...NO WAY!!! My Joe was my world, Alexis father is just that, J*** was the love of my life and best friend, to me still my friend. Sure no one wants to lose their husband but he was taken for a reason. I will always love him and there are days I miss him so much it hurts. Alexis father well not much to say there just hope he does right by her. J*** will always have a special place in my heart for making my daughter feel special and making me happy for a few months. Plus he is was my friend first and always will be. I got his back covered whenever he needs it.
I have started writing a book about my life and experiences. I want people to know and maybe learn from my experiences. Let some people know who much the touched me and let others know how screwed up they were for turning their backs on me when Joe died. Its no holds barred. Time to let go off all the anger, sadness and hurt. Time to focus on happiness, enjoying life with Alexis, finish writing my book along with children books and building my organization and business.