Today its a rainy and cold day, has been all weekend. So I took the weekend to relax, read and spend time with my daughter. At times I had some me time while she played on the computer or watched a movie.
I have come to realize I have been worrying about everyone else and their happiness not mine. I have been through so much in my life many ups and downs. Lost many people in my life either to death or them just walking away or me pushing them away. I know that many of my friends walked away for they don't like my daughter's father. Can't say I blame them. I miss some of them not all and hope in the next few months to try to reach out to them and work on our frienship.
As weird as it will sound the best thing to happen to me was my recent heartbreak. That truly made me realize how I was trying to hard to make others happy and show them I cared and loved them. While doing that I lost the rest of me that was left. Sure when it was first over I had so much anger and wanted revenge but once that all settled I realized he did me a huge favor. I spent so much time on the computer trying to talk to him even for just a few minutes. I wanted to be with him so much that I lost all sense of life. Since then I have been working on myself and getting my life in order. Thanks to my loving family I am getting there. More importantly thanks to the support of my daughter. She tells me everyday I can do anything I want and knows I will always be there for her. She even told me that I am hot...ROTFL. And if I bought this outfit we saw all the men would come running. :-) I also have some amazing friends who have been there every step of the way. They have played a big part in me finding me. I used to be a sweet, friendly, caring person and all of that went many years ago. Losing my husband really changed me as a person, I got very bitter and mad. For it wasn't fair but today know that he did it to himself. I am not to blame and should not feel quilty and no longer do. Sure I knew in my heart my daughter's father was not the one and instead of saying...hey you can raise this baby on your own I stayed for her sake. What a mistake! She doesn't deserve this life, she deserves better. So I am striving to give that to her. I truly hope that someday I meet a great guy to be in our lives. But for now I am just working on me and supporting her and I. Sure its tough right now but I am doing all I can to get us to a better place. I have depended on to many people to help me and none ever came through. I am the Donna I used to be, not a 100% but getting there. I want to be that person again for she was always happy, having fun and enjoying life. I want my daughter to see that person, that is the mother she deserves to have. Not one that is always sad, stressed,sick, worrying or angry.
Heartbreak does stink and hurts like a heck but sometimes its an eye opener. Sure there are times I think of it and him and smile. He is a wonderful man and my daughter only sees him as that. I am proud that I didn't show her the anger and hurt. She adores this man and probably always will. Hope that someday we can be friends so she could have a positive male role model in her life. Being a single mom isn't a punishment like some see it. To me its powerful and amazing and I am not a single mom but a strong independent mom. I am a mom reaching out in all different fields for success and will get it! I will work hard and long to achieve my goals and give me daughter the life she deserves.