Stuff

The last few weeks and months have been very tough.  I have battled many medical issues and still do today.  I have been working so hard to get myself into shape to have another baby.  I know at soon to be 43 thinking of another baby.  Yes, I would love for Alexis to have a brother or sister. For when she gets older she has someone.  Sure she has my nieces and nephew but I would love for her to know what its like to have a brother or sister. Of course as time moves on I am now starting to think about adoption. I think why let some poor child out there not know what its like to have the love of a mother.  Having my own is not totally off the table, the next few weeks will get me to my final decision on that.  Then I my only problem is the male half of the process.  I did have a male person in mind and have asked.  Since asking him and I have part ways, well lets be honest he dumped me for someone esle.  That is totally ok, I just need him well need his men..LOL  I did ask him in a letter if he would still help me but have not heard back from him.  I will try again if I am able to proceed.  Only asking him for I know him and what his genes are made up of.  If he is not willing I will then have to figure things out.   Some would say find a man that you can be with.  Sure that is an answer and currently dating two men but not sure they are daddy material.  Not totally counting them out well actually now that I think of it. One is a No for sure don't think he will make it to another date but the other maybe.  Everyone tells me I should be in a relationship and enjoying life and as much as I agree not going to sweat it.   I am ok with enjoying life with Alexis but sure think down the road when she is ready to fly and be on her own then I am left alone.  That is a sad and lonely thought so I just keep hoping I will find someone.
 I recently had a break up.  It was awful, one of the worse things that happened to me.  The only things worse were my husband and dad passing away.  I have to get something off my chest to feel better.  I love this man with all my heart and soul.  I did all I could to make it work and at times was overbearing. Only because of my own insecurities.  When I didn't hear from him, yes I would worry and panic.  Guess that comes from the day my husband died, I called him for hours and couldn't get him.  Then on the way home from work my heart sunk to my stomach and knew something was horribly wrong.  So with this last man I would react to much and lost him.  I don't know if this man will read this but if so, I am very sorry that I was so over the top.  I just didn't want to lose you again.  I know I wasn't perfect nor were you.  I wasn't totally upfront and honest with you at first but then I poured my heart out to you. Told you things no one else knows for that is how much I loved and trusted you. You said to me after I poured my heart out, that is all I ever wanted from the being was honesty. I have been totally honest with you, but some where down the road you decided to no longer be honest.   I don't hate you, I wanted to so badly.  You will always have a special place in my heart for I still consider you a very good friend.  For we were friends before anything else.  I still pass by Dyker Park, smile and laugh about that night.
Once the break up came I had nothing nice to say about you at all!!! Expect when it came to Alexis, I never have and never will say anything mean about you to her. Nor do I have anything mean to say.  She really looks up to you and wouldn't make her pain worse.  For she still feeling it, she misses you very much.   In the last week I have reflected back on my actions and comments and I must say...I AM VERY SORRY!  I didn't mean the things I said but it was coming from hurt and anger. Will you ever forgive me, only you know that.  Do I want us to be friends again? Sure down the road, not now for its to soon and if you are willing. 
We all go through break ups, part of life.  One thing I have learned you can't hold a grudge, hold the anger or hurt.  You must find a way to release it, for it will only end up hurting you more, not  the other person especially if they have moved on.  The dumpee don't sit around trying to analyze what happened etc.  It will only make things worse, I did it and was ready to pull my hair out.  I then realized, sure I wasn't perfect but nor was he.  Remember you love someone set them free, if they come back they were always yours, if not they never were.   Words to live by for you can't make them come back, you can't sit and wait for them, go out live life and enjoy.  If they come back, you are single and want them back then GREAT!  If not the right person will come when the time is right, just be on your toes.  For everyone is on their best behavior the first for weeks\months of dating then the real them comes out and that could be a really great thing or a really BAD thing :-).  I dated a guy for about 2 weeks, things were great then all of a sudden he turned, started hitting on one of my friends, starting doing drugs, got violent (no didn't hit me just punched walls etc). One day quit his job, him & my friend left for Florida and she was pregnant. So you see you never know!