Wednesday, March 10, 2010


We go through life just hoping for all the best.  We hope to stay healthy, happy and safe.  Everyday when I pick up my daughter I stop in church to pray for my daughter, family, friends and so much more as well as myself.  In the last several months I have been working so hard to get myself better so I may achieve the goal of having a baby.  I want another so Alexis has a sibiling and know she has someone else in this world.  The more I get closer else comes up to stop me.  I had the man picked out then we fought and now not sure he will still do it.  Now medical issues have arose.  I am scheduled to have an mammogram and sonogram of breast.  Then to see a neurologist for the numbness in my arm.  It seems since I've had my gallbladder taken out, then told I had enlarged thyroid and high blood pressure all going wrong.  I question drs but I seem to be getting no where.  Its so hard to deal with plus I am all alone. Sure I have a loving mother and sister but can't bother them.  My sister works full time and has 3 children and my mom God Bless is 76 and has a lot of energy but she has her own medical issues going on right now.   I have some really great friends on Facebook but they too have families to tend to but there when I need them.    I had a really great guy in my life but I couldn't bare to drag him through all this.  So I had to tell him I had to much going on and couldn't give my all to the relationship.  He was so understanding but wants to still date for now.  Wish makes me feel better for he could of just go so nasty and such.  I have benn through so much in my life.  At 30 I lost my husband to massive heart attack.  Just a few months later my grandmother, then my father in law then year later my dad.  My dad was my hero and I really wish he was here.  I miss him so much lately.  I know he would be proud at me for being such a good mom.  I know he wouldn't be happy with the choices I made in the last several years.  I know he would want to see me and Alexis have better.  In the last few weeks I have really started to try and focus on that.  Its hard when you don't feel good and don't know why.  I have to find the way to get through it and get stronger.  I really hope I can get to the point of being in the best shape to have a baby if the man I picked is still interested.  I keep my faith in God to get me through, keep me safe, heathly and strong.

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