Life in general can be a struggle but when you are a single mom with nothing its a huge struggle. If you knew me when I was 17,18 or even 21 I was the type that always smiled, did for others and worked hard. I continued to do that even when I met my first husband but within time I changed. I changed to a point I didn't know me anymore. I thought well I am happy and in love. Oh and I did love my husband so much. He died at the age of 36 and I was 30 and I changed again ..for the worse. When my husband was alive we went out 7 days a week I am lucky I kept my job. Soon I realized it was bad and stopped meeting him. Trust me it took several years, worse is when people would tell me things we discussed or did and didn't remember. I had an old friend tell me they say me in 1995 before the moved out of state and I don't even remember that!!! So when he died the drinking went into overdrive I couldn't get enough, was so bad quit my job of 12 years. Lost the rest of me that was left. Then I met my daughter's father, gosh I was so lonely that a bug could of gotten my attention. Don't get me wrong he was very nice and went out of his way to let me know he was interested. Soon I was working on finding me again and getting back to the true Donna. Soon he showed signs of being controlling, red flags..didn't see them then. Even then I still tried, gosh we had broken up so many times. I moved out of his apartment to many times to count. Soon I got my own but was long before he was at my place all the time. We struggled financially as well as our relationship. I had some money and instead of saving it or investing it...I gave it to him to open a business. Well in less then 3 months I was flat broke! Was getting ready to throw him out when I found out I was pregnant. So I tried to make it work for the sake of the child. I kept thinking it will get better. Well in time I gave up looking for Donna for he just was so controlling and with a new baby, well she was more important and still is. As the years went on I still thought hey this will work but as children get older the more they cost. Well I begged and pleaded him to get a better job as well let me work. No my child will be raised by her mother. I wouldn't of minded if we were in a better place financially. Ok so I stayed home and today I have no regrets about it. I won't tell him lol but I agree children should be with a parent until school years. So school years came and still he want me not to work so I could be there for her. Again struggling, why make us struggle.
So here I am gosh 9 years later and I still have major struggles. Trying to find work is so hard with the economy. Her father still insists I stay home and he will cover my expenses but he can't at times. So now I am working on making a job for myself that is right. I have come up with a few ideas and have reached out to many people and hoping something comes through. This time I want to work but love what I am doing. In the meantime I have been rediscovering the old Donna. Took a huge heartbreak to make it happen. I went back and read emails, then thought at times Old Donna was there and at other times thought who was that person. I was under a lot of pressure and should of talked to the person more. Either way I learned a lot about myself and swore I would work on getting the old me back. I worked so hard and got there almost 100%. Then dated someone new and was giving them the old me...man did walk all over that. He just used my nice sweet personality. Then I decided time to use him which I did for a connection to help on one of my projects. He had no idea he was being used for I just put my sweet charm on and got what I needed. Now I was starting to feel bad and thought I should come clean. Well then I found out he was cheating for the first time, so opted not on coming clean. Long story short that ended recently. He knows what he lost, tried to work things out but it was to late talk about burning the bridges behind you. Heck man he blew them up!!! It was tough for awhile for he just kept trying but he finally got the message. I at least hope so!
Life is a journey and a struggle, we have to make the best of it but more important be happy and love life. I am happy that the old me is back for the most part. I am happy that I am smiling again, I'm sweet and nice but cross me and then you see a whole other side of me. :-D I wish that I hadn't ruined some things in my life but I guess they happen for a reason. Whether they weren't meant to be at all or just not meant to be at the time. Either way I can't dwell on it, just go with life. Show my daughter the best life, give her all that I can and make sure she is always happy and healthy. As for mommy, well I know my day will come as far as love, I know I want it someday soon but I am ok for now. Finding work and taking care of my daughter and I is more important.